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Divorce or separation is painful for adults. The process requires adaptation to changes in identifying oneself as part of a couple and then moving toward the recognition of the awesome responsibility that comes with venturing on one's own. Grieving for what was lost or never to be also taxes energies, resources and patience. Many estranged couples do not cope well in the presence of the other party. The tension between them renders cooperation in child care an even greater burden. How to attempt civility with the other adult or how to handle possible sabotaging of your efforts to negotiate are the purposes of this article.
Surprisingly, research on children who have divorced or separated parents shows that children survive rather well, despite the initial strains that are a consequence of tension between parents. Initially, researchers assumed that children from divorced or separated homes would do less well academically and socially. Instead, the results indicated that as long as children believed that their needs were going to be met by one or both parents, they were able to adjust to the new lifestyle of having one parent live in another setting.
However, children who lacked confidence that either parent was capable of meeting their needs tended to show marked maladjustment. These children reported feelings of being ignored or neglected in the name of the animosity that existed between one or both parents. They reported that they felt intense amounts of guilt when one parent 'bashed' the reputation or image of the other parent in front of the child. Moreover, the children reported feeling interrogated re the activities of the other parent and conflicted re divulging the comings and goings of the absent parent.
Signs of their maladjustment manifested in a drop in grades; a negative reaction toward authority figures; marked changes in sleeping or eating habits as well as a tendency to withdraw or take anger out on those more vulnerable than they. Unfortunately, many of these symptoms were not addressed as a possible parenting issue but rather as a personality flaw in the children. Thus, more negative reactions were heaped upon the children which encouraged greater acting out.
Researchers concluded that interventions were necessary to train parents how to rein in their feelings in order to best meet the needs of the children. They also concluded that children needed a forum for sharing their ambivalences so they could ventilate their fears and concerns in a constructive manner. The following are tips to ensure that children's needs are met. Also, tools are provided to make certain that what is conveyed by adults in words and behaviors says that the children are valued and will always come first in their parents' lives.
Due to the stress that exists in naming the end of a marriage, parents sometimes forget that children need to be told that a separation or divorce is imminent as well as a reason why it is occurring. The discussion of why the divorce or separation is occurring can sometimes add further tension between already angry parents; however, a response must be provided that will help children resolve their own internal conflicts. At certain ages of development, children tend to think in terms of blame and may want to assign guilt or innocence to one of the parents.
Often parents mistakenly reinforce the need for blame by involving children too much in their own hurt and pain. Children should not be included in betrayals, affairs, sexual practices etc. of the other parent EVEN if these issues may be factual. Instead, what can be conveyed to children is that there were lifestyle disagreements, too much arguing when together, or a need to let go of resentments. In this manner, an explanation can ensure for the children that the reason for the end of the relationship is for ALL to move forward toward something positive.
What should a parent do if the other party encourages the children to look at the parent in a negative way? Researchers suggest that the parent should pick a neutral time and setting and confront the other parent with the knowledge that the information may be ultimately hurtful to the children. If a parent fears physical retaliation, this step should be avoided. If the intervention does not prove successful, then verbal tools should be given to the children. For instance, encourage the child to say, "I feel _______ whenever I hear (Mom or Dad) spoken of in that way. He/she does not speak about you negatively. Please, respect him/her as well."
In addition, remind children that they too can set limits when it come to questions re the other parent. Explain to them that they are allowed to say, "I'm uncomfortable with questions about Mom or Dad. Instead, could we please talk about what I'm doing in school?" These tools for countering discussion afford children a mature ability to protect their own interests. They will be able to transfer these tools to friends and eventual co-workers or even authority figures. Remind them that their tone of voice needs to be respectful and that they may come to you if the reaction to their assertions is negative.
Sometimes, an estranged couple has difficulty even being in the same room as the other parent. How can parents then negotiate the custody pick-ups and drop-offs if one or both cannot bare to look at one another? Researchers suggest that in these cases parents find neutral friends and family members who might help with child care until feelings of hurt can subside. Children in these cases can be told that much like their arguments with friends, it is sometimes necessary for adults to cool down before facing one another. However, it should also be made known to the children that eventual cooperation is the goal. Otherwise, children are sent the message that adults are incapable of resolving problems in relationships. They may, in turn, choose not to cooperate among peers.
As children grow older and peer relationships become more important, parents have difficulty motivating children to visit the noncustodial parent. However, it is imperative that the noncustodial parent does not give up wanting to see the children. Instead, he/she must find creative ways to participate in the child's life. Look for ways to see children during times when peer activities will not interfere. Periodically, schools now encourage parents to visit children during lunch time. Taking a child out to dinner at a restaurant is another enjoyable way to connect. Attending their sports activities, concerts and extracurricular activities all demonstrate to children how important they are to you.
Ultimately, children do not remember minor failures and difficulties in their childhood. They do remember how willing each parent is to place them as a priority or to shuffle their needs to the bottom of life's schedule. If however, a parent fears the abuse of another parent or is unable to prevent added rancor from ensuing, it is important that outside help is sought.
Counseling is an excellent resource for divorced/separating couples. A trained and licensed therapist can provide an objective viewpoint and can synthesize the dysfunctions in the relationship. Children will recall how much they felt loved if one or both parents sought advice from an expert. Make certain that the therapist is trained in marriage and family therapy, in order to make certain that goals that are in the children's best interest are attained. The message that children are first is the greatest healing for their hearts.
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